Sunday, November 09, 2003

I want to be an advice columnist


The Tribune has a new advice columnist, and, though she is better than Ann--keep-indulging-whatever-destructive-vice-you-have--Landers, I think I could do better. I would just give advice such as the Church Fathers would give. Here's how it would work:

Dear Athanasius, I have a problem with my boyfriend. He doesn't seem to want to get married. I told him this morning as I made him breakfast that if he doesn't shape up, I might have to do something drastic, like quit having sex with him.

Athanasius: Have you tried prayer and fasting?

Dear Athanasius, I don't know what to do about my job. I can't seem to make ends meet. What should I do?

Athanasius: Have you tried prayer and fasting?

Dear Athanasius, do you have any hints for how I could quit smoking?

Athanasius: Have you tried prayer and fasting?

Dear Athanasius, I've been depressed recently. I have a good job, good prospects, a beautiful girlfriend, but somehow everything seems empty. What am I here for? Why should I bother working hard and making money, when it all ends in death?

Athanasius Have you tried prayer and fasting? And maybe reading my Life of Antony?


See how easy it would be? (Note: this was inspired by Disputations.)

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